Ask These 11 Money Questions Before Moving In With Your Partner (From The New York Times) [3 Articles]

12 min readDec 15, 2023

~ Saturday, December 16, 2023 Blog Post ~

By Anna Sale, December 11, 2023

(This article is part of a Modern Love project on the intersection of money and relationships.)

What would you do if you won the lottery? How do we stop having this same fight about money? And much more.

Have you ever had a flip remark about, say, a romantic partner’s late-night internet purchase devolve into a corrosive and existential fight?

Me too.

Online shopping is about money, and in our romantic relationships, a lot of us aren’t very good at talking about finances.

This makes sense! Most of us were raised to be vague about specifics but firm in our habits around money. Now, as you build a household with this outsider that you fell in love with — someone who doesn’t know the particular secret codes you were raised with — there’s a lot for you two to snag on.

The good news is that talking about money openly makes you better at talking about money. You’ll get to know each other’s abstract beliefs about money and how you want to translate them into concrete actions. Your shared vision as a couple will take on more dimension, and as you get comfortable with each other’s money habits and hangups, you’ll also be more readily able to ask and offer help to other loved ones in your lives.

These questions are designed to jump-start those conversations, taking them one step at a time. And though this is designed as a guide for couples at that critical stage of moving in together, like a vow renewal ceremony, they may also help longtime couples adjust how they talk about, and manage, their money.

But first, a suggestion: Approach money questions in a romantic relationship with the same care and consent as you do conversations about physical intimacy and each other’s sexual backgrounds. They can feel similarly sensitive as you move from one stage of reveal to the next, so try to ask each question with an empathetic smile.

Underlying Values

What do we want our life together to look like?

Before making mutual money decisions in a relationship, a couple should start by envisioning what they want their future to look like — what Stephanie Zepeda, a financial therapist in Houston, calls “a relational budget.”

“Get their drink of choice and go sit down and have a ‘hopes and dreams’ conversation,” she advises.

Talk about lifestyle routines, housing priorities, career ambitions, fantasy purchases and experiences. You’ll get to constraints later, as well as the how of it all, but first, describe the broad strokes of how your lives could look together.

What would you do if you won the lottery?

Now, take even bigger swings. What would you do with a surprise windfall? The lottery framing can be especially useful, Dr. Zepeda said, for couples who come from different cultural and socioeconomic backgrounds, helping to describe the key values underlying the more abstract question of what money is for.

That, in turn, can help identify the roots of any future money misunderstandings. And it will help you clarify what you want to drive your future financial decisions together.

How do you think your financial priorities might change in the next 10 years?

A financial goal-setting conversation with a more distant time horizon will fill in more of the details on the shared vision you’re drawing up as a couple. “It’s not about money priorities and goals,” said Megan Smith, a financial educator in Jackson, Wyo. “It’s about life priorities and goals.”

If you’re moving in together when you’re both early in your careers, with no kids, this question may help guide you to what may come next. Do you want to be a parent? Is owning a home important to you? Is marriage something you see as the next step?

This approach can also be applied to couples who find each other in midlife or later, where there might be financial obligations to children or aging parents looming or questions about their own health care as they age.

Private Parts

How much money do you have? How much debt?

Disclosing how much money you make, along with your savings and your debts, is an essential relationship conversation, and also, a delicate one.

Approach this sharing like story swapping, just as you’ve caught each other up on your family backgrounds and your relationship histories. Brace for a little embarrassment: You’re revealing how much your public presentations match up with your private credit histories. Anticipate inequalities, and discuss but don’t dwell on them.

And remember, like most major life decisions, facing financial facts can take time and emotional preparation. When it comes to your partner’s private financial details, no snooping without permission! And because it needs to be said: No lying either.

Is there anything about your finances or future finances that I should know about? Anything about my finances or future finances you’re curious about?

Lying in response to direct questions is one thing. Evading, though, can happen more easily, even unintentionally if you keep putting off the disclosure of embarrassing or uncomfortable financial information.

So, after you share basic facts like earnings, debt and built-in expenses within a relationship, Ms. Smith advises you each circle back with open questions to invite more exploring. This could be when you hear about a past bankruptcy or an expected inheritance. As much as you can, “listen without a lick of judgment,” she said.

Brass Tacks

If we share a household, do we want to share money?

There are a lot of different ways to go here: totally separate, some separate and some shared, and totally shared. Talk through what feels right to you, both in how much you pool your money and how much you expect each other to disclose if you’re spending your individual money.

If you do have shared expenses, consider a shared household account to cover shared expenses to keep you from a running tally posted on the fridge. As you build out your household budget, you can also design your own system to most fairly divide who contributes what to the shared account.

Do you like managing household money? Who’s in charge of our shared domestic homework?

Managing a household’s bills, mail, taxes and financial paperwork is a lot of work. It’s also a source of great power. Some people thrill at that level of detail and control (including yours truly). For others, money text alerts and opening bills can make you shut down.

Get to know each other’s personalities around all the paperwork that being a grown-up requires, and see if by tackling different pieces together, you can help each other. For example, I am good at not missing deadlines and reading the fine print, but I am easily rattled by unexpected expenses. My husband is the keeper of the big-picture budget and he helps me by calmly zooming out and reminding me that there are a lot of incremental steps to take it’s a catastrophe.

What happens if one of us dies unexpectedly?

For lots of couples, it’s not until you have kids that you start considering wills and life insurance. But if you are sharing and plan to build a household together long-term, a term life insurance policy could be worth considering, particularly if one of you earns much more than the other or you’re buying property together. The whole exercise can also deepen your sense of commitment to each other.

“What does it signify?” Dr. Zepeda said. “It says, I love you. I care about you. I don’t want to burden you.”

Outside Help

Should we talk to a lawyer?

Couples who are moving in together, whether they intend to marry or not, can benefit from understanding their state’s laws about couples and assets at the end of a relationship. If you live with a romantic partner for years who makes more money than you, you could end up with very few financial protections if you break up. Consider talking to an attorney when things are good and talk about how you’d separate your financial lives if you had to. Whether you plan to marry or not, some attorneys call this a prenuptial. Others might call it a cohabitation agreement.

How do we stop having this same fight about money?

We have tools like auto bill-pay or monthly savings withdrawals to trick us into good individual habits, and you can take the same approach with the triggers of your domestic money spats. Decide how you want to approach something causing financial stress in your relationship and then try to automate that approach.

For example, if one of you has an online spending compulsion that’s getting in the way of a shared financial goal, try setting up an account with an agreed upon online spending allowance each month and then stick to it.

You could also consider setting up a “fun fund” — a pot of money dedicated exclusively to things you each enjoy. For example, in her mountain town of Jackson, Ms. Smith said sometimes “one person in a relationship wants to own eight bikes, and the other person is like, we have this mortgage.” In that case, a fun account can be a “gear fund,” something a client once deemed “a marriage saver.”

Whom could we ask for help in a money emergency?

Finally, when you share a household with your romantic partner, their people become your people. These networks of love and support are also part of your financial lives. Tell each other who might have helped you financially when you needed it, and whom you’ve helped.

Source:

https://www.nytimes.com/2023/12/11/style/modern-love-money-questions-partners.html

Article #2: 11 Financial Questions to Ask before you move in together. (From Beyond Debt)

By Ben Paris, February 4, 2022

Valentines’ day is fast approaching and while we don’t want to be a killjoy, money is the number 1 cause of stress in relationships and the number one cause of divorce. With that in mind here are 11 questions to ask before you move in together. So, grab some champagne and ask away.

How much debt do you have?

If the other person has $100,000 in credit card debt, what does that mean for your relationship? Are you BOTH going to repay it? How will that affect your lifestyle? Are you both prepared to make sacrifices to pay it off?

How much do you use Afterpay?

If someone uses Afterpay, or similar a lot this may indicate they routinely spend more than they earn. Maybe they are taking advantage of bargains to acquire necessary items but you need to ask.

Do you have any savings?

Savings are a great indication that someone has their house in order. They’ve budgeted for their expenses for a continuous period of time and put away regular amounts. They are the type of person that a bank gets excited about, which will affect whether you can buy a house later on.

Do you cook? Do you bring lunch to work with you?

If your partner-to-be can’t cook, you’re either going to be doing all the cooking or spending a lot of money on takeaway. If someone cooks and brings their lunch, it’s a good indication they are good with money.

Will we combine our money or keep it separate?

Combining your money when you move in together can make managing your money simpler and keep you working together as a team. If you’re worried about your partner having access to you money maybe this is saying something?

What do you think about car loans?

Borrowing money to buy a depreciating asset is generally a terrible idea. You might be in urgent need of transport but if someone has a $50,000 car loan, that’s going to have an impact on your life together.

Were your parents good with money?

We tend to get our money habits from our parents. If your parents are good with money and talked about money there’s a good chance you are good with money as well. Alternatively, maybe your parents were terrible with money and you were determined to never be like them. Still, it’s good to know what your new partners’ parents were like with their money.

What is the maximum amount you feel comfortable spending before consulting the other?

It’s good to have discussions about spending limits. Someone coming home with a new Louis Vuitton bag, or some new RM Williams can lead to a lot of resentment particularly if the other person has been trying to watch what they spend.

A good alternative is to put some money each week into an account the person can spend on whatever they want without criticism.

Do you want to own a house? How will we save for a deposit?

Don’t assume the other person wants what you want. If you want a house, how are you going to get the deposit? How much are you going to have to save every week? Are you both prepared to live on two-minute noodles and tuna to save for the deposit?

How much should we spend on holidays?

If your idea of a holiday is camping and their idea of a holiday is a trip to Paris this is going to cause conflict. How are you going to fund the holidays? How often are you going to go?

Do you want to have kids?

Kids change everything. One of you will be out of the workforce for a year. How are you going to pay for things? Do you think someone should stay at home? How will we pay for that? Do you think kids should go to private schools?

Sources and references:

https://www.beyonddebt.com.au/blog/11-financial-questions-to-ask-before-you-move-in-together

https://www.nytimes.com/2023/12/08/style/modern-love-divorce-autonomy-maggie-smith.html

Article #3: Couple’s Money — How to Budget Together (From Beyond Debt)

By Ben Paris, July 6, 2022

Money in relationships can be an issue of contention. A commonly known fact is that money problems are the number one reason for divorce. Money problems directly affect many shared life activities associated with relationship satisfaction, such as buying a house, enjoying holidays, caring for children and what you can do on the weekend. When you’re already under financial pressure, the day-to-day management of money can become explosive. Planning a budget is the best way to take the financial stress out of your relationship.

Budgeting as a couple can be difficult. It can be hard to stop looking after yourself and start managing money as a couple. Many people feel like they’ll lose their freedom, and they’ll open themselves up to criticism about their spending. But a good ‘couple’s budget’ will give each party freedom, protect each of you from criticism and enable you both to plan for the things that you share together, such as fun outings together and possibly even vacations

You Will Need:

A single savings account (of which you both have debit card access).
Two individual savings accounts (one for each partner).

Step One: Determining Income

Determine your income as a couple. Add all of your wages and other sources of income together. The grand total may be more than you think.

Step Two: Determining Minimum Expenses

List all of your household needs (rent or mortgage, electricity, groceries, phone bills, minimum debt repayments, etc.). These are the expenses that you have to pay; holidays, handbags and golf clubs don’t belong here. Add up your needs budget and subtract this from your income; if there is money left over, then go on to step three.

Step Three: Guilt Free Money

Transfer $20 into each of your accounts. You can spend this on whatever you want without judgement. Gamble it, spend it on lollies, etc.

Step Four: Mutual Goals

List all of your mutually agreed upon wants. This includes all the things you want to do as a couple (e.g. holidays, one a night out per month, saving for a house and paying off debt faster). You’ll need to decide on what to include based on what’s important to you as a couple. You may want a wine subscription, or Foxtel, or to donate to charity; it’s up to you. If there is money left over, then go on to step four.

Step Five: Divide the Spoils

If there is still money left over at this point, then you should put some more of it into your separate accounts. Place the remaining bulk of leftover money into savings or onto any debts that you may have.